They tell me I’m 43 years old, according to my birth certificate anyway, the doctor that delivered me is long dead and gone so who knows if this document is even accurate! That’s the story i’m going with.
When did I get this old? I can’t remember everything that happened between then and now, then, being yesterday, which clearly is when I must have turned 43. What happened to 33? Or 23? Oh, wait, I remember 23, good times my friend good times!!! I can’t remember where the years have gone, I may have been drunk for a few but certainly not twenty of them? Ok, not for fifteen of them then. This isn’t a free for all open forum, shut the door and sit back down!
Friends will say “remember that time when” and I play along because I don’t want to discard the value of our memories and because I have no effin clue as to what they are taking about! Beuller… Beuller… Beuller…
I never was one to wish the time away or to wish that I was older or that I wanted to reach a certain age. This isn’t my wish, I didn’t make this wish, there has been some sort of clerical error here, I’d like to speak to the genie on duty, I want a complete refund.
I never used to be tired, I used to be agile and athletic, now I feel like the gold medal winner at the geriatric Olympics if I can just get out of bed without hurting my back. I used to buy $160 shoes even if they were too small because hell, sore feet were a fair trade off for looking fabulous! Now I sleep on a $160 scientifically engineered pillow so I can look both ways at stop lights…
My perfect eyesight has been reduced to wearing my glasses while simultaneously looking into the extra magnified side of the mirror just to pluck an eyebrow. This wasn’t my wish? What’s going on here?
I weighed 112lbs my entire life, I went to bed one night and woke with 112lb legs, I still have the rest of my body to account for, so obviously I’m the lead role in a low budget Sci-fi mini series, only, there’s nothing mini about it.. NOTHING I SAID!
They have called me a cougar, I was honored! I love animals especially big cats! To have my beauty and sleek, streamlined figure compared to that of one of God’s most attractive creatures, what a compliment I thought!! Then I googled “female cougar” just to admire my self reflective animal… I found that I am only lacking the fire engine red lipstick… That was a very emotionally damaging moment for me, as I do not have the proper skin tone for red.. What to do, what to do….
If any of this sounds familiar do not panic!!! There millions of infomercials on between the hours of 2 and 6 a.m. providing all sorts of memory loss pills, senior citizen foam mattresses, special pillows and wrinkle creams!! Those being the hours I used to be asleep but now I’m up to pee and worried about how I’m gonna rock another day…
Next week we’ll discuss the incurable, behavioral disorders of the male species! Thanks for stopping by the cracked mind of Nikki Sprinkles, one girl, everyone’s journey… (direct quote from loyal reader and friend, BeviJo Pinkham)
Stay kind, stay humble, and stay out of the fast lane!